Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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