I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My breasts were aching with rage.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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