Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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