me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
