I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
did i walk over a car last night?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
