you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
