Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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