Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
