I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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