Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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