Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I AM VODKA MAN
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
