I looked at my own cervix.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
