Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
