I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
