We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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