I murdered the dance floor call the cops
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
