oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You ruined the universe
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
