Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
