man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
pop tarts are not kleenex
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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