Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
