Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
no, he came in my armpit
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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