shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I think I have vodka in my lungs
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize