Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
