I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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