Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
