evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
