READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
