Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
