Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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