I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
