see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
