He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
