when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
