I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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