My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
