In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
