She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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