my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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