dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize