Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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