just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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