I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
