would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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