First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
