Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
