I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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