Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Randomize
