You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
