he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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