Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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