Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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