I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
