In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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