TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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