Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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