How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
